An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were talking at work. The Englishman says: "I was tidying my daughter's bedroom the other day and I found a bottle of vodka! I was shocked! I didn't know she drank!"
"You know what?" said the Scotsman. "I was tidying my daughter's bedroom the other day and I found a pack of cigs! I had no idea she smoked!"
"Well, that's nothing..." said the Irishman. "I was tidying my daughters bedroom the other day and I found a pack of condoms... and I didn't even know she had a dick!"

There is a powerful emperor who needs a new head Samurai, so he puts the word out. A year passes and on the same day, three people showed up to apply for the position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to demonstrate his abilities. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a little fly. He flicks his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in two pieces.
The emperor exclaims, "That is very impressive!"
He then asks the Chinese Samurai to demonstrate his abilities. So this second Samurai also opens a match box, releasing a fly. He flicks his sword twice, and the fly drops dead on the ground, in four pieces.
"Amazing!" exclaims the emperor, turning to the Jewish Samurai. "And what can you do?"
The Jewish Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. He flashes his sword in an intricate flourish, filling the room with a wooshing wind from the speed of his blade. Then he puts down the blade, but the fly is still buzzing around!
The emperor, disappointed, asks: "After all that fuss, why is the fly not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiles and says: "Circumcision is not intended to kill, Emperor-san."


This guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender for five shots of whisky. As soon as the bartender pours the whisky the guy starts slamming all five shots down. The bar tender says "Wow! You really slammed those down!"
To which the guy replies: "Well, if you had what I have, you'd drink fast too."
"What do you have?" asks the bar tender.
"About fifty cents!"

Two nuns are riding their bicycles down an old Paris street when one nun says to the other: "I've never come this way before!"
"Yeah, me neither!" replies the other nun, breathlessly. "I think it's the cobblestones!"

The pope is on his way to Las Vegas. While boarding the plane, a stewardess says: "Hello Mr. Presley, it is a pleasure to see you!"
The pope replies: "Sorry my child, but I'm not Elvis!"
Later, as the Pope arrives and gets into his limo, the driver says: "Good evening Mr. Presley!"
The pope replies: "My son, I am not Elvis!"
So even later, as he's checking into the hotel, the clerk says: "Good evening Mr. Presley! We have your suite all ready for you, and the usual - 2 beautiful women - are waiting for you!"
To which the Pope replies: "Thank you… thank you very much."

Bernie goes to a friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, precedes every request to his wife with terms of endearment, calling her "Honey... My Love... Darling... Sweetheart... Pumpkin..." etc.
Bernie looks at Morris and remarks: "It's really nice that, after all these years, you still call your wife by those corny pet names."
Morris hangs his head and whispers:" To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer!?"
Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.' Then she said, 'No, I'm not a widow!' And I said, 'Wanna bet a six-pack?'"

There's this Polish guy who had a Jewish neighbor. He goes to visit him because he wants to know why the Jews are all so smart.
"We eat a lot of fish," says the Jewish neighbor.
"Can I have some?" asks the Polish man.
"It's gonna cost you $100 a piece," replies the Jewish man.
"If it'll make me smarter, I'm willing to try," says the Polish man.
He eats the fish, but something is troubling him. "You know, a hundred bucks is a lot of money for a fish. I think you screwed me on that deal."
"You see!" replies the neighbor, "it's already working!"

This newly married couple walk into a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you you have reservations?" inquires the manager.
"Only one..." says the groom. "She won't take my cock up her arse!"

There's this guy who's driving home from a party, when all of a sudden he gets really horny. He's driving by a pumpkin patch and remembers how they're supposed to be all wet and squishy inside. He pulls over thinking no one's around, cuts a hole in a pumpkin and proceeds to fuck it. He's going at it like crazy, when along comes a cop! She walks up behind him quietly and startles him when she says, "Excuse me sir but do you realize you're having sex with a pumpkin?"
He looks her straight in the eyes and shrugs and says, "Holy shit! Is it midnite already?!"